dont paint my face

2008-07-31T12:52:00.001-05:00

because i dont like blogger, i have relocated to

stephbenton.wordpress.com

BITR: what annoys me/what scares me

2008-07-19T04:39:00.003-05:00

what annoys me:

-incredibly emotional people. i dont know how to deal with them. i dont know how to react.
-scrubs. i dont think it's funny at all.
-when people get really upset at people doing their jobs. for instance, when you're eating dinner with someone and the waiter/waitress doesn't refill their drink immediately so in response they are rude to the server.
-indifference.
-tickle me elmo.
-when my doritos bag is empty.

what scares me:

-E.T. i tried to conquer my fear of the little turd when i went to universal studios last summer by going on the ET ride. because of this, i think my fear has been heightened. other than this, i am pretty sure i am invincible.

BITR: worst fashion era

2008-06-18T14:50:00.005-05:00

BITR: my favorite race

2008-06-08T04:34:00.002-05:00

who's tired of looking at a picture of matt with sour patch kids up his nose? that'd be me.

because im not the brightest lamp on the shelf [ALTHOUGH IVE ALREADY PWNT YOU WITH MY SENSE OF HUMOR], i decided to look up some crap about the different types of races out there, eventually stumbling upon some scientific views that races dont even exist. that race is actually a social concept and doesn't expand beyond that. but that's boring. so screw it.

my favorite race would be the american race. excluding mormons. why? here is a list of legitimate reasons why we are the absolute best race:

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

if you disagree, clearly you are drunk.

satannica: information on all things satanic.

2008-05-15T21:22:00.004-05:00

i am beginning my first satannica post with one of our favorite satanists. matt benton.

if you havent already read the controversy, it's pretty apparent this satanist is quite fond of evolution, a clear opposition to the bible and all of us well-bred southern baptists and real americans. he cannot possibly believe the bible because of this, and i am pretty sure he's not only a satanist, but he is in fact the anti-christ. barack obama better step it up, because he has close competition.

this is further proof of matt's satanism. in this very frightening photo, matt is, believe it or not, channeling demons.

not pictured: jeff roberts. he asked that i'd protect his anonymity, and, although i feel i should respect that, satanists arent very deserving of respect. if i felt they were, then i'd be giving satan an inch. and we all know what he does with an inch.

2008-05-13T04:13:00.002-05:00

i never write in this thing. usually when i think to, i have not even a wrinkle of a topic in my head. for some reason that sounds really gross.

so i guess ill just be honest with the few people that actually read this. im having a lot of issues with God and faith lately. i've come to severely dislike church in general and the way it's put together. i dont really respect or support the idea of a pastor. one person standing up there imbuing his fantastic holiness on all his little "children". it kind of makes me sick. maybe i just have an unhealthy obsession with wanting to speak my mind about things, but i absolutely hate feeling completely uninvolved in every church service im in. i feel so much like i want to just stand up and argue points that are made. and i want to raise my hand and be able to ask what the heck certain things mean. thank goodness for andy actually allowing me to do that so many times in the past, but i cant find that elsewhere.

i just feel like i want to branch out. i dont want to be expected to go to church because it will look nice to other people if i do. i just simply cannot support a system i only halfway believe in. i believe the people have entirely good intentions and do sincerely love God, but somehow i dont feel like i'm growing closer to truth that way. and maybe that's selfishness. maybe i should allow church to surprise me. be a trooper and hope things change. but i just dont want to.

it's also not only church that i've had issues with. it's the foundation of our supposed connectedness with God himself. why in the world do we believe God speaks to us all the time? i so badly want to think he does, but i dont have any reason to believe it at this point. i've always thought that if i truly perceived God as he is, in whatever tiny fraction i might be able to understand, then i would love who he is entirely. so i'm wondering if my ideas of God and my interpretations of the bible have been flawed this whole time. i mean, i just cant get around the idea of God speaking to us. i really cant. i've asked the same questions repeatedly, and no answers seem to make sense to me. maybe i'm just being thickheaded, but people have told me that God leaves "impressions" on them, or that God's voice is small and quiet and you have to be properly attuned to hear him. i hate to say it, but that sounds like a load of crap to me. it sounds so easily identifiable with a plethora of other things. it seems all psychological. and i dont want God's words to be psychological. i dont want him to be something i can second-guess like that. i hate to sound like a complete douchebag, which im fully aware is the case, but understand i want to get around this. i want answers more than i want anything else.

i have come to realize that when Jesus prayed he wasnt concerned with what "God laid on his heart." he never mentioned an "impression" or anything like that in the context of the bible. and that seems important enough to mention.

i dont know. i could keep going all day. i just feel like faith has been completely watered down as it is today, and its disgusting. i dont want to subscribe to watered down, easy religion. i want it to be more than singing songs about Jesus being my best friend. i want to be relatively interested in it when im leaving church, rather than completely bored. i'm especially lacking in respect for other christians as well. it's awful to feel that way and even worse to admit it, but i feel so ridiculously awkward in a group of christians. i dont halfway agree with the crap they spew out of their mouths most of the time, and i feel like some sort of cynical, j.d. salinger obsessed half-follower of a faith i dont even know how to articulate. maybe i just want to relate to more than just a few people on this matter. and sometimes that's even rare. i just dont like feeling rebellious or different about something so incredibly powerful and important. i want to swim downstream for once.

i dont quite know how to conclude this as i am not matt who happens to be the king of introductions and conclusions, so i guess if anyone has anything relatively helpful or even contradictory, please, please dont keep it to yourself.

blog in the round: tarot cards

2008-04-30T22:49:00.003-05:00

i was kind of excited to learn about tarot cards as i joined in on blog in the round this week, but now im kind of dreading it. i looked up tarot cards and readings on wikipedia, and realized, tarot cards are incredibly boring to read about, so im just going to go by what i know.

one time i got a tarot card reading from my friend who happened to have a deck. (i feel really stupid saying that, as all that abstract, arcane stuff just kind of annoys me.) i got three signs, two of which i dont remember (had quite an effect on me and my life, eh?), while the third was some symbol of death, or coming danger. to be perfectly honest, i think tarot cards cannot possibly carry a wide variety of symbolic meaning if one card alone can be so vague.

tarot cards are basically like that guy on tv who says, "okay, i'm thinking of someone with lung cancer..." to an audience, who then search their minds for someone who has died from lung cancer (just about everyone can think of at least one person), while he narrows it down to male, um - smoker, gray hair, drove a truck, whatever, and one person usually jumps up and says THAT WAS MY FATHER!!! or whatever. they think he's a genius for taking something vague and narrowing it down.

basically, a card that symbolizes danger in my life could mean anything. maybe it was talking about when i stubbed my toe on the sidewalk, or it could have been talking about a test im going to take. im going to continue to think of it as just a card with a picture on it randomly chosen from a deck my friend had in her bedroom, because frankly, it brought no clear insight in to my life, and i wont take any precautionary action because of it. yep, im walking on the sidewalk barefoot again.

if you happen to be a tarot reader, please impress me with, "you are going to die on this exact date," or i'm just not interested. and neither is the rest of the world.

matt quoted this to me earlier...

2008-02-20T22:51:00.000-06:00

“It is the mathematician, not the poet who goes mad. While the mathematician tries to build a bridge across the infinite, the poet swims in the sea.” G.K. Chesterton

shalom!

2008-01-15T01:41:00.000-06:00

well, hi. its sure been a while. i havent had much to say that i could sum up in one blog. my life is great right now. im doing wonderful. very content, to say the least. the people in my life are really interesting and awesome and spending time with them has been enough for me. theyre the kind of people i really admire because they dont waste time trying to be intelligent or cool, they just live their lives. thats the best way to do it, i say. i respect people that are intelligent and are cool and have great things to say, but even more i respect the man in the honda accord driving to his 9 to 5 every day with his cell phone and his family at home. i guess being special isnt all that important anymore. i admire a person who loves their family, who finds it in themselves to be content with where they are and what they have. i had dinner with some friends tonight and all i could think about was how good it was to be around them and laugh with them and spend time together, not talking about anything important, not doing anything worth mentioning, just hanging out, being alive. i think people are the most fantastic thing in the whole world. each singular person has the power to make a person's world livable, or to crush it. i want to ease the load for those i have the pleasure of knowing in any way that i can. i guess im not a writer or the smartest person and i guess i do a lot of things wrong but i really dont care anymore, because there are people out there who cant sleep if they dont know that im safe. as long as there is that, im doing just fine.

im never going to be perfect, im never going to look the best, or carry the best conversation, or know a lot about everything [or anything], but i am deeply uninterested in all that at this point. its just not about me being the best at anything.

anyhow, as far as the specifics, im going to jeffstate right now and majoring in english. who knows what will happen next. im not concerned. i like english and i even speak the language, i cannot fail here. still playing world of warcraft too much. im lvl 66 as of right now. should be 70 in a couple weeks which will be fun. i want to throw a huge party when i hit 70. by huge i mean me and my brother and my dog watching south park. MAJOR business taking place there. i like my brother and im glad theres someone at my house who i can hang out with whenever i want. in fact, i randomly go in his room and sit on his couch and tell him stories about what happened to me that day about 9 times an hour. he likes it. trust me. well, thats about all i got for tonight. time to eat all the food in the house and get to bed.

au revoir!

2007-10-14T02:00:00.000-05:00

i have a really hard time forgetting blogger is not livejournal and on here im supposed to say things that matter. but most of the time i dont have much to say that would matter to anyone but me.

but its been a good weekend so far. ive seen a lot of people i love and that makes me feel better than most anything else would. im still the type of person who only wants a few friends. close friends. and it seems like im hardly close to anyone and i have a million other friends that i can sit around and joke with and talk about birmingham with but thats the extent of it. the art of conversation is a great thing nonetheless.

had an intense drive home tonight. sometimes i dont know if i "get it" at all... but then other times i feel like im standing on the biggest secret in the world.

my brain is really tired tonight and i dont feel much like saying anything at all so go see across the universe and your life will automatically improve. im lying though.

2007-10-10T23:24:00.000-05:00

im truly lucky to know the people that are in my life.

2007-10-03T04:08:00.000-05:00

everything gains wear and tear. everything sits on a coffeetable too long to collect dust and circular waves from friendly drinks and the conversation that follows. life is a form of erosion that they dont put in science books.

only in the past week, ive had some conversations i didnt wanna have, i've put up with people i didnt want to look at, and i've received low blows by people that tend to mean every word they say. we all have before. and its sad because sometimes what we need the most is for someone to just have faith in us.

we long for the breaks in life, and they very rarely if ever come, so sometimes people come for us instead, but usually they dont.

sometimes you might know someone for years upon years and then realize you dont know them at all, and they dont know you either.

and sometimes you want it to rain but the sun just stays out, and you feel bad because youre supposed to prefer sunlight over bad weather.

and sometimes trying to fix things really just makes them worse.

i dont live my life to correct my fellow man. i want to learn to look kindly upon the failing of my neighbor, to forgive as often as i have to, to appreciate each and every shortcoming in those that i come in contact with. i want to be more than an acquaintance to most people. i want to engage, to connect, to be inspired by the people i know.

i saw my neighbor growing up, my best friend and my confidant in every way, a few months back. she looked so happy to see me. she hugged me and asked me how i was and the whole atmosphere was warm. i wish life felt like that all the time. like youre seeing an old friend for the first time in years. like you belong where you are in the presence of those youre with every second of every day. like youre welcome in every conversation and in every circle of friends. unfortunately, we learn early on that life is not this way, and we do everything we can to shield ourselves from the stares of judgmental people and the words of anyone looking to offend us.

but sometimes, in the most unexpected ways, we find peace. sometimes watching dixie hop around in the grass because she loves being outside is one of the most innocent and good things i know, as strange as it might sound. and sometimes when im in the car with a friend and we arent saying anything i find that i enjoy their company more than anything in the whole world. and sometimes my mom bakes brownies and they seem to fix any problem i can think up in my head, because brownies are a girl's best friend no matter who isn't. i know there's a lot at stake in the world, and i know we've got a really long way to go, but as long as we're getting there, i think everything's gonna be alright.

p.s. matt should write more blogs.

2007-10-01T03:57:00.001-05:00

lately i've come to the realization that i'm not cool. i hang out with certain people that i think really are cool. they like the right music and wear the right clothes and theyre nice to everyone. those people are 'cool' to most people. i spent a lot of time with some kids a few weekends ago and i realized that im not cool at all. i read too much. i play dork video games. i dont like rap. or shows like the oc. im not a good eighteen year old. im just not cool. but i dont think i care. because if God is real then thats the best news i've ever heard and whether i'm cool or cute or funny really doesn't matter at all. because God is real. and i'm fine.

today was well-spent. matt and i got to go to the mcwayne center with andy, april, abbey, drew, and kate rickles. we played with scientific toys - screens that let butterflies land on you, rooms that make one person look huge and the other tiny, we made dinosaur invasion movies that end with whales coming out of the sky. i screamed while reaching my arm into an aquarium and touching a fish which resulted in water all over myself and abbey. we also saw an imax movie [those are cool and futuristic] about cajun people and the wetlands of new orleans.

after that we headed back over to the church for the 5:30 "conversation" or whatever it's called. is there a name? anyway, i love nooma videos and the discussions that follow. i wish more people came, though. i dont like feeling overpowering because i choose to engage in the discussion, for the younger ones that dont. before the service, though, we all sat in the grass in front of the church and watched the kids run around. the weather was great today and it was nice to be in the presence of those i was with.

now it's 5:38 AM and i'm kind of lonely but not really and i'm probably not going to sleep for another few hours. i've got dixie and some seasons of south park so it's a good night. or morning.

2007-09-27T01:46:00.001-05:00

every day i learn a little something. and today i learned that a little girl in a cute dress will put me in a great mood no matter what.

???

2007-09-18T22:48:00.001-05:00

someone tell me what my next step in life oughta be.

this really put me in a good mood

2007-09-16T04:12:00.000-05:00

2007-09-13T23:59:00.000-05:00

i live my life in a minor key. on the down beat. somewhere in the notes that are too high or too low for me to sing. i'm not always happy or in a good mood. i like slow songs better than upbeat ones. i prefer movies that make me sad over movies that will make me laugh. why? i dont know. there is a great darkness in the world. maybe i just like looking at it. maybe, to me, averting my eyes is the same as giving up. there are greater achievements than being satisfied and happy all the time. i want those. the world is more colorful than being only happy and sad anyway. "i dont want medication. give me liberation. even if it cuts my legs right out from underneath." give me the dirt-in-my-eyes religion. give me faith that leaves me in a hole. make me climb out again and again. i want to get it more and more every day. to learn the depths of what i think i know. and to wander into the places i dont know at all. i want to feel it, whatever "it" is, travel further and further into it, get lost in it, become alive in it. may i never be afraid of suffering.

don't look down

2007-09-06T23:04:00.001-05:00

just for those who might be there, i'd really appreciate the trapeze swinger by iron and wine to be played at my funeral. and i want the eulogy delivered by someone who can play guitar. and i dont want any words spoken. just music. thank you.
there are things in life so beautiful that sometimes i cant stand it. big things like children and old couples and forgiveness. but also small things like a warm bath. or cold milk. or a windy day. i think every part of life is encompassed by beauty. i think those things are like God's fingerprints.

"being heard without judgment is healing." one of the best things anyone has ever said to me. ill probably quote her until the day i die.
they hear you, my friend. and i hear you.

such as.

2007-09-01T00:15:00.000-05:00

matt and i have been discussing the issues that south africa and "the iraq" are facing due to this profoundly influential south carolina representative in the miss america contest. matt has a very broad perspective when it comes to global issues, which made me realize i dont know much at all, so, in my need of enlightenment, i asked him what he would say in response to the [semi] same question. his answer was frighteningly similar and almost as intellectually hard to follow as miss south carolina's:

curdled phone

2007-08-29T21:21:00.000-05:00

yesterday i woke up to my phone ringing at around 2 PM. when i reached for it i noticed my hand landed in a bowl of cocoa puff milk from the previous day. or the day before that. i dont really know. i rejected the call, stretched, and realized my dripping phone had slept in a bowl of milk all night.

it still works.

swelling into....

2007-08-06T01:13:00.000-05:00

i think the sweetest moments in life are when i am in the presence of beauty.
when im with aimee and kevin and i think, "those two people really love each other."
or when im outside with my brother in the dark throwing rocks at a huge bug on the dining room window.
or when i hear sixteen, maybe less by iron and wine and im completely overwhelmed by this perfectly orchestrated mass of sound in my ears.
or when im lying on the bridge in front of my house with my hand in the water and i think, "this is all a love story..."

it's as pretty as it is cruel

2007-07-31T01:30:00.000-05:00

i think i must have bad judgment or something. or sometimes i just dont care. it seems like the same things continue to happen to me. you'd think eventually i'd learn, but it keeps changing shapes on me. and you'd think eventually i'd get very lonely, but i always bounce back. fast, too. i think the dam has to break continually in life. the good thing is, im used to that now.

sometimes i wish i could go back to when i was a kid and the strange fence in the woods behind my house was the biggest mystery out there. i miss pretending i was a mermaid or a princess or someone really beautiful and important and it was never strange. i miss being romanced by the fireflies or the moon or the picture of leonardo dicaprio i had on my wall. sometimes that feeling still finds me. and its still just as childish and far-fetched as ever. why cant real life be so romantic. every girl still wants to be someone's leading lady and every guy wants to be someone's hero.

sometimes it feels like bad is beating good. it feels like bad is fighting harder than good ever was. i seem to hear bad more than i hear good. bad's voice is much more audible. but i dont think i care anymore. i think im jumping in anyway. i know it's cold. i know i cant hold my breath very long. im jumping.

summer days

2007-07-22T23:19:00.000-05:00

i remember when i used to update this thing almost every day. in that time my life consisted of sitting on the back porch at the house, reading a book, writing things down, and playing with my dog. thats literally the extent of it. oh, and tombstone pizzas. love those. it seems like now i can barely get a breath in. im very rarely at home anymore.

the mid-latter part of the summer has been about a hundred times busier. i've been to cook outs, i've swam in lakes and jumped off high things into water, had a few wii parties at jake's, i've eaten out with my mom and brother a whole heckuva lot, did the whole moving thing, got a speeding ticket, learned the power of forgiveness, went to six flags and a braves game in the same day, found myself at pizza hut a few too many times with aimee and kev, finally saw little river canyon, built a bonfire with jake's schoolbooks after he graduated, had some very good conversations, ive spent a lot of time with stephen since he's been in town, experienced disneyworld, talked on the phone until dawn a few times, been running around the house with dixie, ventured up to chattanooga spontaneously with my mom, ive been fishing with my dad, whatever else i've done. its all been really great. im glad to have spent the time i have with the people i have thus far.

its hard to update when things are going predominantly well for me. i think i feel more now than ever that im where i am supposed to be in life. with as many backroads as ive taken, it takes a lot to admit that, but i really believe its true. im just enjoying things. take it as a month-long sabbath or something. summer is the time to be laid back.

i dont want medication

2007-07-15T14:51:00.000-05:00

don't lie to me
tell me something true
'cause i'm only free
when i look at you

and you look so good it hurts
and love, i come undone

but i don’t want medication
just give me liberation
even if it cuts my legs right out from underneath
don’t give me medication
i want the real sensation
even when living feels just like death to me

so don't paint my face
i need to see the scars
so i don't forget
the back of my tutor's arm

'cause i just can't keep it straight
which kills and which one saves

‘cause the truth is i need you just like the air i breathe
just like a freight train needs the tracks beneath
i’d rather suffer my whole life and be this rich man’s wife
if loving you means suffering
[derek webb - medication]

guess that's exactly how i'm feeling right now. i realize the extent i need Jesus more and more every day. the further i learn about the depths of myself the more desperate i become. and i think that's okay.

take my advice

2007-07-13T15:34:00.000-05:00

if you havent heard iron and wine's new song "boy with a coin" - you MUST.

http://myspace.com/ironandwine

what if im heavy?

2007-07-09T23:54:00.001-05:00

today we got our internet hooked up at my dad's house. [not sure if i mentioned this but we're living there now.] ive been missing the blog-world.

since we moved in, i haven't slept much at all. i've been having a really hard time with a lot of things since we came here. i guess, when one thing gets shaken up a bit, i feel like i have to re-evaluate everything. even myself. sometimes im so sure of myself, other times im not sure of my place anywhere. it's stupid, really, because i dont want my world to revolve around where i feel like i stand with everything else, but im so tired of second-guessing myself. im tired of feeling like i have to censor myself around certain people because im afraid they'll look down on me. even some of my friends. no, especially some of my friends. i hate feeling like a burden sometimes when i dont feel good and i dont want to act like life is always okay. i shouldnt feel like anyone's burden for that, but i always do. the truth is, i'm really tired of tip-toeing around people's emotions. and i'm not saying this to sound like i'm super tough [look at me] or whatever. i'm saying this because i want to be an honest person. all the time. so you don't have to question my motives. i dont want to be a questionable person. and i'm not going to be.

one specific example is my past. i dont like the things ive done, im not proud of the person that i was, and i would do almost anything for nobody to remember that part of me, but i can't. and i can't keep hiding from it. i was who i was, but i changed, by the grace of God, and i am who i am now. i should be proud i've come this far, but most of the time i'm just not.

there's this great quote in wild at heart by john elderedge that says "let people feel the weight of who you are and let them deal with it." i've been thinking about that every day. i don't want to be fake happy when i feel like crap. and i dont want to act sure of myself when i'm not at all. basically, im not going to live my life walking in step with the pressures of what a stable, happy, strong person is supposed to look like. sometimes i dont think clearly, sometimes im not happy, and sometimes i think im the weakest person on the planet.

so freaking what.

im going to let people feel the weight of who i am and let them deal with it. and thats when i can begin to live from the inside out rather than from the outside in.

thats the kind of person i want to be.

i swim in it as in a sea

2007-07-07T22:03:00.000-05:00

it's been a really, really crappy week. i've hardly slept, been kind of depressed about all sorts of things, and bad things have been happening left and right. sometimes that stuff seems so unrelenting. sometimes i dont know how to handle life at all even when nothing's wrong. and i wonder where the peace of God is in times like these.

then i go to kate rickles' birthday party. and nothing special really has to happen. i just have to be around the people i care about. and there's community. and then i hang out with jake and trent. and there's more community. and we can sit around and talk or trip each other when we're walking down the stairs or make fun of jake's hair and laugh about practically everything. and i realize i'm surrounded by people that i love.

im reminded of an exerpt from walt whitman's poem "i sing the body electric":

"i have perceiv'd that to be with those i like is enough,
to stop in company with the rest at evening is enough,
to be surrounded by beautiful, curious, breathing, laughing flesh is enough,
to pass among them or touch any one or rest my arm ever so lightly round his or her neck for a moment, what is this, then?
i do not ask any more delight, i swim in it as in a sea."

when im with my friends, i feel the love of God.
even when i feel like crap.

and that's enough.

bad news

2007-06-30T21:13:00.000-05:00

i havent blogged in a while. sorry to say this wont be a happy comeback.

a good friend of mine, aaron moore, was driving down the road at 1:30 AM on June 29 and got hit head on by a drunk driver going 90 mph. he's been in the trauma unit at UAB since in an induced coma. he has a distressed lung and im not really sure what that means but i know that if he moves he wont be able to breathe and it can kill him, so they had to induce the coma so he wouldnt move. he also had some internal bleeding and they had to take out his spleen. something inside of me kind of... fell apart when i heard the news. im sure people who've seen loved ones in a state like this know what i'm talking about.

trent, jake, and i went up to the hospital yesterday even though we didnt think we could go see him. we wanted to be there for his family and whoever else. they ended up letting me back there to see him... and well, i cant really explain what goes through your mind when you see someone you care deeply about in a condition such as that. he was on a respirator and his face was swollen and there was a big gash on his face and all sorts of things i didnt want to see. i didnt like thinking that could be the last time i see him, or the last time he hears my voice. i dont like thinking those things but they're real. and they're scary.

you see, aaron and i have a lot of history. we dated about a year ago and, in the time we were together, i dont know that ive ever had a relationship with someone so honest and good, even in a friendship way. ive never known someone like aaron. some of the best days of my life were spent with him. ive never known someone so... alive.

and this is certainly hard. aaron's granddad told me, crying, that aaron was in really bad shape. im not sure how true that is at this point because i've heard more optimistic but no definite things from other members of the family, but ive also heard some things that didnt sound very hopeful. and it's been so hard to compose myself since. i put on a good game face when i can but inside everything's pretty much crumbling. aaron is constantly on my mind, and on the mind of all our friends. every time my phone rings i think it might be someone with details on his condition. we're all walking on pins and needles, it seems.

and right now, the best thing any of us can do, is pray. pray for specific things. that aaron lives, if the situation is as bad as some are telling me it is. that his lung heals. that the pneumonia he's going to get will not be a devastating blow to his condition. he has a lot of things to face right now. a lot of mountains to climb on the road to recovery, so please, please, pray for him.

thanks and take care,
steph

back from orlando

2007-06-09T21:39:00.000-05:00

"Not only is the way narrow, but it involves suffering. To truly engage with how the world is, our hearts are going to be broken again and again. Just this past week, I met a woman who is terrified her husband is going to beat her, and another woman who has a degenerative muscle disease that is causing her face to freeze up, and I can think of at least five couples who are splitting up and... you get the picture. It is your world too. And so we are learning how to suffer well. Not to avoid it but to feel the full force of it. It is important that churches acknowledge suffering and engage it - never, ever presenting the picture that if you follow Jesus, your problems will go away. Following Jesus may bring on problems you never imagined... Ultimately our gift to the world around us is hope. Not blind hope that pretends everything is fine and refuses to acknowledge how things are. But the kind of hope that comes from staring pain and suffering right in the eyes and refusing to believe that this is all there is. It is what we all need - hope that comes not from going around suffering but from going through it." -Rob Bell // Velvet Elvis

that quote has nothing to do with this blog, i just wanted to post it because i think it speaks volumes alone without my comment on it. i will say, though, that i prefer the "raw" part of life... i think it is always best to feel sad when you are sad. to forget dressing it up and making it look better than it is. and to be happy when you are happy. to live without hindering yourself in those areas.

anyway, on to the cooler stuff...

i just got back from orlando, florida yesterday. i must say, disney world is about my favorite place ever now. i'm not even kidding. that's weird for me because i'm not big on huge corporations and expensive trips or anything, but disney really, really sucked me in. if you could climb into my head for just a day, you would see that im ever-serious. i think entirely too much. i worry entirely too much. i have a hard time not analyzing everything. i just have to. its what i do. if you know me in person, which you probably do, then you'll know that i don't necessarily act that way and i of course like to have a good time, but my brain never slows down. im very self-aware and very aware of whats going on around me and it never ever stops. anyway, when you go to disneyworld, you dont have to think about anything except having a good time. you dont have to compare theories of anything, you dont have to worry about your life, if only for a day, you dont have to give a crap about anything. its so nice. i cant express to you how nice it is. you just get sucked into the movies and entertainment and great food and you're sold. sold for life. i was. i want to work there now. its ridiculous! so, add that to the list of things i recommend.

im also starting a new list, though. a list of things i do not recommend. first thing on the list:

curry. ughhhhhh. curry sucks. dont ever eat it. dont ever eat indian food. it tastes good but later you'll be up puking in your hotel bathroom at midnight after having twenty minutes of sleep and then shaking all night when youre sitting in a tub of hot water but you cant get warm so you just stay up and call a friend you know will be up because you feel so awful that you would rather die than sit in a bathtub and think about it and then the next day you find out that your idea of branching out and eating indian food for the first time was actually a terrible idea and your intestines are inflamed and you also probably have acid reflux so you take lots of medicine and miss out on sea world and wish you didnt because you have always wanted to see a whale in person but you didnt so you hate curry even more. curry is at the top of my list of things you should never try unless you have a very strong stomach. just trust me.

aside from that, the trip was pretty much perfect. we met an english boy who gave us chocolate and told us how great his tea is and all of these things. the accent really blew my mind. its not that ive never heard one before, i just dont think ive engaged in conversation with a really, really cute english boy before. i want to move to england now. its like i found buried treasure. haha. im pathetic. i can assure you im not boy crazy but i think im a little accent crazy right now.

my blogs have been dumb lately. the truth is, im kind of sick of thinking right now. i just want to stop analyzing and just enjoy things for a little while. i have a few things i'd like to say, but not now. my life is predominantly good and easy at this time in my life, and im thankful, so im going to show thanks by enjoying it as best i can. do you want to know what that means? that means eating a whole box of chocolate covered cherries in the time it takes to watch stargate the movie and have time left over.

now im tired.

uninspiring million dollar musicians

2007-05-30T16:27:00.000-05:00

as bad as the music on the radio WAS, i turned on 103.7 today and found its only getting worse.

ooooh well, i just appreciate the people who continue to write good music and struggle to feed their families that much more.

little river canyon

2007-05-28T20:50:00.000-05:00

today my mom, matt, and i went up to little river canyon. we did an, i'd say, pretty hard hike. we also went to sequoyah caverns. it was all pretty fun. i couldnt get very many good pictures in the cave, so i dont have any evidence, but there were these reflection pools that are basically little ponds that are only a few inches deep themselves but are filled with magnesium on the bottom which is black, so the water looks like it forms a reflection, making wherever you're walking look like there is some great fall. it was really awesome. sometimes i would have to catch my breath because i thought i was standing on a bridge or something and i could fall about twenty feet down if i slipped, when really it was just an eight inch pool of water. it was really great. i recommend it to anyone.

i also recommend cracker barrel to anyone. i think it's either my brother's favorite or one of his favorite restaurants because he makes us go there all the time. we went there twice today. it was a little ridiculous. most of the time i'm not in the mood because we have to go so much, but today i discovered the homemade strawberry shortcake, and i must say, it was delicious.

lately i've come to the conclusion that i want to go east somewhere and do some sort of mission work. i really dont think i'd ever be happy doing anything else. if only for a few months or for the rest of my life, i know it's something i want to do. i want to sit by the side of a dying aids victim and cry with them, or play with an orphaned child somewhere in the jungles of africa. i want to sit around a campfire and listen to them sing their songs in a language i dont understand, eat some rice and listen to their stories. i think it would be incredible to learn how to love those people. my mom thinks i should be looking into careers that will help me later on in life and, though that's smart, my thoughts are and probably always will be on the people that really, really need, not what i need to add to the pile of stuff i already have. im going to go to college, but im not sure i can go right now. the thing about all this ambition is i dont know how to get into all that. how to go over there and help anyone. its all very wide open. i know i need a church to support me and a group to go with but i dont know where to find it. i just know i have a very strong desire to be with those people, down in the dirt with them, and i know i have to do something about it. so if anyone knows how to go about it, if you could email me at theinnerpattern@msn.com, that would be great. im very versatile. i'd go to china where i could be killed or i'd go to somewhere that will welcome me with open arms. i'll do anything. it's less of a want and more of a need right now, so any information and advice would be greatly appreciated.

the strongest sperm

2007-05-27T02:13:00.000-05:00

when i sit down to write, i feel like the world is in orbit around me, people walking by, phones ringing, music playing, and i am completely oblivious to every bit of it. i feel that the world is rotating with its 22.2 degree tilt and i am completely still in the midst of it all. it's a pretty great feeling, to say the least.

if you want to know the truth about you and me, it's that we are people made up of experiences, built by what we've learned, shaped by words and stories. i think i'm more astounded by humanity every day. for the fact that... every man and woman and child truly is a miracle in itself. think about the birth process. there is conception which is supposed to stem from a husband and wife that love one another, basically, sharing that love and bonding with one another. with that, the strongest of the tiniest little sperm swim for the egg and it's basically a survival of the fittest kind of game. you and i, we were the strongest sperm. i have no reason to feel weak ever because i beat 200 to 500 million other sperm in the race. nobody can say they arent a winner now. anyway, the strongest one survives, meets the egg, a baby is formed. the woman gets pregnant and her belly grows and she learns to stop sleeping on her stomach and gets sick sometimes. then, after many doctors and lots of anxious and hard nights, she has the baby.

the baby gets stared at and held a lot and doesnt understand much of anything. then the baby will learn to sort of speak and he will learn to call his parents mom and dad, then his tiny back will have grown strong enough to be able to crawl, then his legs strong enough to walk. eventually, the baby will be so good at walking, he will be able to run, run away if he chooses, run to his parents' comforting arms, run with his friends on the playground, and run in his first baseball game. he will continue to grow, his body maturing, adapting, growing stronger. he will eventually marry and start the cycle over again. nurturing a new baby, grabbing her by the hands and teaching her how to walk, and later, the man will grow old, deplete a little bit, and die. it is such a beautiful and miraculous process.

i think the quote by whitman "And your very flesh shall be a great poem" grows more incredible to me with each passing day. i think each one of us, the fact that we were the strongest sperm, should be celebrating what we are, how precious we are, and how precious one another is. maybe this is just one of those night time i've been thinking too much blogs but i don't know, it seems like an interesting element has been out of play for some time. the element of life. the beauty of the cycle. we grow, and grow, and grow, as if there will be a firework explosion when we die, as if life is building up to an incredible ending, the ultimate song, the final dance. i think the ending is really a beginning, that the song is everlasting, and the dance is not a finale. what's sad is most people don't even think about it. don't even wonder why they grow. dont even ask what they're building up to be. we're people to carry on the tradition of life. apparently life is important.

so i wish you the best in this world, that your growth will be cradled by a life of experiences, your life a brilliant song to be sung to your children and theirs, to be shouted back at life when you are gone. i hope to die my hands tired from carrying my children, my back tired from being hunched over books, my feet tired from being too proud to stop, knowing, whether im the only one who can tell it or not, it made a great story, and i was the strongest sperm.

change, moving, growing up, whatever it is

2007-05-24T01:43:00.000-05:00

something that keeps me going every day is the thought that a lot of really beautiful things are ahead. moments that will feel perfect. that every element in play is playing its part and its playing its part well. ive already had a few of those, and they're some of the most prominent ones in the whole bunch. even the bad memories, i cant wait to see what they are. i mean thats the core of life isnt it? moments, memories. when you age, it's all there is to remind you of the journey. the easy steps as well as the steps you felt like you would never take. your mind will take you back, throw you back into the fire of an argument, but your heart will be a different shape than it was then, your life the contour of something entirely different. something new. looking back and seeing how far you've come certainly has to be a blessing in itself. it already is for me, and i'm only 18 years old. i can't imagine what it will be like when i'm in my [hopefully] seventies or so.

i guess the main reason im thinking about this is because every time i leave or come home to my house, i see a big for sale sign in the front yard. its evidence enough things are changing, and i feel like i want to take everything i have now with me to whatever place i may end up.

someday ill be somewhere else, and ill think back on my house in pinson, alabama, and ill remember the way i used to sit in my parents' closet because i loved the smell of their leather shoes, and ill remember the bed my brother used to powerbomb me onto because, believe it or not, we were both nwo-wcw fanatics. ill remember the rock counter and how that one rock always falls out when you knock it. ill remember the guitars and equipment being all over the house from my brother's musical endeavors. i'll remember the times i sat by my window crying for hours, praying to God life would stop being so hard. i'll remember when my dad used to shoot fireworks on july 4th out of the backyard, and we'd invite our neighbor and good friend alan over, because alan is awesome. i'll remember when i'd lie in bed and hate myself because i made some stupid mistake or said something really dumb in front of someone cool. i'll remember when aimee would come over and we would sit and talk about boys we liked. i'll remember the times when my brother and i would unintentionally get into some conversation about the bible or a belief and we'd sit in the hallway or downstairs in the living room and talk for longer than we ever meant to. i'll remember the way my mom's bathroom always smelled so good and mine and matt's just smelled... well, weird. there are an endless amount of things i hope i never forget about my youth. but, just as i am dreaming now of children and a family and a life, one day i will be holding my children and listening to my husband's voice and i'll remember the times when that was all i wanted. obtaining all of that requires a pretty extensive amount of change and willingness in me as a person. sacrifice. so, when before the for sale sign seemed like a negative reminder, maybe now i can look at it and imagine it as a closer step into the life that i hope for. a symbol for change for the better, for growth. i need to grow, and who can argue that newness isn't the best way? i mean, it's time for me to get uprooted, so i can plant myself somewhere else, grow, and learn from each new setting i encounter.

a wayward path

2007-05-19T19:05:00.000-05:00

so, let's get something straight. if i said i followed ozzy osbourne, that he was my hero, chances are, i would try to look and act like him. first, i would start stuttering and trying to speak but not exactly succeeding. second, i would bite the heads off of bats and birds to look intimidating and cool when really im just a very sick human being. third, i would do so many drugs that my brain turns to mush. and fourth, i would forget how to walk correctly. these are all implications of who i am following - mr. osbourne.

now i must say this is written with a specific group of people in mind, because i believe in them, and i hope this does not seem like an attack as much as it does an encouragement. so what about Jesus? what are the implications of a person following him?

what it would look like to see someone following Jesus, is seeing someone act out forgiveness, kindness, love for their enemies, inclusion, etc. there are a tremendous amount of characteristics, but it all boils down to one: love.

i just left a church that i dont believe knew quite how to love. they loved one another, but that was it. if you were not like them, basically, you weren't welcome. it's been called this a few times, but it truly is a country club. it's a very exclusive church. i went there my whole life and never felt like they cared too much for me. maybe cause i dont think like a southern baptist or i just dont see the need to wear a hundred dollar dress to church on sunday, i dont know, but i think that's entirely missing the point of Jesus. it was a fiery finish for those of us that left, and some at that church are apparently still a little touchy about it, but we went quietly, didn't run around talking to the world about it, and we've moved on. sometimes you have to cut the dead branches off to keep growing, and that church was certainly a dead branch. well, we encountered a few of the members the other night, and they were just cold to us. it was obvious they're still pretty pissed off about it all, and i truly, truly think that is just opposite of Jesus. i do. its pathetic for two groups of people bound by one truth to hold grudges against one another. if any of you are reading this, we would be entirely receptive to you if you wanted to reconcile things. we still all love you. we talk about it all the time. we still all miss you, and we've made that very clear to you. i know we were close, but that situation is over, and its time to rebuild.

"You have heard that it was said to those of old, 'You shall not murder; and whoever murders will be liable to judgment.' But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, 'You fool!' will be liable to the hell of fire. So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift." Matthew 5: 21-24

so lets do this. lets be reconciled. we dont have to hang out like we used to. we dont even have to be great friends, just stop being angry with us. we did what we believe is right, just as you think youre doing what is right. we both serve the same God and we have a call to love one another that should be much more powerful than being offended that a few people left your church for whatever reason. our love for Jesus should be much more important than our love for ourselves and our situations.

insomnia? eh?...eh?

2007-05-16T02:27:00.000-05:00

guess it's safe to say im doing the insomnia thing again. it happens about five times a year for me. i aint gonna lie, its been a pretty dang crappy day. in fact, despite the derek webb/andrew osenga/alli rogers show last night [andrew osenga liked my hat, i must mention], the past few days have been less than great. i find myself lying in bed for hours at a time talking to God and asking him why this and why that and if he'll be more prevalent in all my problems. in my entire life, really. my brain just wont slow down. not ever. not even when im sleeping. for goodness sake, i have the most vivid and long dreams every single night. theyre so common theyre not even worth mentioning. in fact, last night i dreamt i was running from some workers in a lab because i rebelled against them or something, and ended up finding a tank with a live and very large fish in it with a skull for a head. this is totally normal for me. its like sometimes i get so caught up in all this junk in my head that i forget how to enjoy anything. im always too busy analyzing it.

my aunt is kind of having a hard time right now. and rightfully so. a lot of really bad things have been happening to her for the past year or so, and some she caused on her own, others are just unfair. well my mom and grandma tried to talk to her when she was feeling down to make her feel better and they kept saying there are people who have it so much worse. there are but that will NEVER make a sad person look on the bright side of things. sometimes, when youre in a hole, you just need someone to get down in the hole with you, grab your hand, and you can climb out together. if my aunt was here i bet we would be holding hands. not really, i think that would just be kind of awkward...

when i think about life, two things pop into my mind. the first is that im living in a really beautiful world with really great creatures everywhere and a ton of opportunity. i like the days when life feels like that. feels like im breathing for the first time or something. other times i feel more like an innocent child thrown into the heart of a war that i cant possibly understand. like my feet once knew glory and now theyre pacing through the rubble of a tragic battle. the more that i learn, the more i see i dont understand. seems like everything sometimes.

i know its really pathetic to sit around and whine about something i dont even know the origin of, but talking politics is just as pathetic, right? maybe not, but both conversations are very open ended and inconclusive. thats what i think anyhow.

maybe all i need is a good swim in turkey creek, or a backrub, or a really good conversation. a conversation with some crazy breakthrough. i love those. yeah, thats exactly what i need. a dang breakthrough.

i have finally figured it out

2007-05-10T23:17:00.000-05:00

ok, picture this.

im driving a 94 honda accord es station wagon. its an off-white color or maybe dark green. a little bit of mud on the tires. not from mud riding, of course, just from... being rugged. im driving somewhere in colorado near a river or in the mountains. who cares, im driving. im listening to kings of leon. all 34 of the windows in the car are down. im wearing rolled up jeans and a tank top. my hair's down and its flying everywhere. dixie's in the passenger seat with her head out the window. tongue hanging out. my cell phone is in the very, very back of the car under some clothes or trash because i am in colorado and i dont need to talk to anyone. my left foot is out the window. im on my way to camp in the mountains somewhere or to eat in a local diner that smells like cigarette smoke. im drinking bottled water with the label ripped off. im thinking about how much i love the kings of leon. im taking pictures of dixie while i drive. its perfect. im not kidding, i think thats sort of my dream....

direction, destination

2007-05-10T02:45:00.000-05:00

i dont know what to say today. i didnt know what to say yesterday. sometimes life feels like it cant mess with you externally so it decides to go inside and screw with your emotions somehow. i dont know what it is, but these past few days ive felt so worn out. i think i was on this "new idea" high and now im at the point where i start doubting myself or something. lately all i feel like doing is sitting outside and just trying to take it all in.

i guess i dont know what i want these days, but i know i dont want to feel like im just trying to ignore something bad.

i battle myself every single day. one of my biggest weaknesses is i find so much wrong with humanity, with people everywhere. its not that im walking into a room and saying "oh, her shirt is HIDEOUS" or whatever, it's that i hear all the time about a person who was murdered or a statement about the war or whatever and i think, man, people are so bad. i really act like im above making any of those mistakes, which im not. at the derek webb show the other day he said that you have to believe all the ingredients of your heart mixed in a certain way can make you capable of doing the most awful things. its true. no person is above murder or rape or whatever. seriously. its not in what you are that makes you above that, because what you are is a terribly mixed up mess of a human. but, just as we are capable of doing any number of bad things, so are we capable of doing incredibly good and beautiful things. our inner workings were created with both good and evil branches shooting up everywhere. we are capable of both all the time, any time, christian or non-christian.

i just want a little bit of renewal these days. i think, for my own selfish desire, i want to feel like im affecting something. anything at all. i think i want to feel like i have a tiny little inch of purpose right now even in the smallest way in someone's life or in anything. i want to wake up in the morning and have more of a reason to keep going other than the fact that im just too scared to stop. im not saying i want to die, im saying while im alive, i want to know that i did whatever i could to help life rather than just tear it down. that i loved someone as best i could whether they loved me back as much or not. i want to have children and believe in them so much that they never have to doubt themselves. i want to marry someone and care more about his well-being that i completely forget my own needs. i want to be someone's support system, someone's home, someone's assurance. the way you love is what is going to matter ultimately. i believe that.

i asked a friend what she wanted out of life earlier tonight and she didnt know. she said she thought she might like to get married one day, but other than that, she didnt know. it seems so crazy to keep waking up every day not knowing what you want out of life. and im not saying its wrong, i just dont know how a person could do something and not know why. i dont know everything i want out of life. im still figuring that out as i go along, but i have an outline of it. some days im more sure of it, others im not. these past few days im not, but that doesnt mean im stopping or even slowing down. im excited for my life. terribly excited. i know its going to be beautiful. im going to grow in ways i could never have imagined. im going to have the richest moments tucked into my mind. its going to be really great. it already has been. and i find comfort in that. you can too. your life is going to be beautiful and quite a story if you believe it will be.

finding out what you want out of life is so entirely important in how your life will turn out. if you want love, you will run around looking for it. if you want adventure [meeeee], you will run around looking for it. if you want tragedy [drama], you will run around looking for it. all of these will be found. your direction is most likely your destination.

take care,
steph

hear me, dont judge me

2007-05-08T00:07:00.000-05:00

"find a friend and stay close and with a melting heart tell them whatever you're most ashamed of- our parents have made so many mistakes. may we forgive them and forgive ourselves." -from "the sun and the moon" by mewithoutyou

its important to have someone you can be totally honest with. ya know, that person you can tell your secrets to so you wont be carrying them alone anymore. i dont think i can even really understand how important that is at this point. humans werent built to be reclusive and unknown and mysterious. we were meant to share ourselves with others. even the ugly parts. the parts we, ourselves, are entirely ashamed of. things we would rather not connect our identities to.

a friend once told me that being heard without judgment is healing. i believe shes right.

life is beautiful

2007-05-07T00:08:00.000-05:00

sometimes i feel like im moving backward. i dont really know why or how to explain it, but it feels like there's a lot of undoing in my life... a lot of things becoming untangled that've been that way for a long, long time. i feel more at ease with everything. nothing has gotten easier, really. i still have heavy things on my mind a lot of the time. i mean, none of the problems have gone away, if anything i'm gaining more every day, but i feel more than good about everything. i feel so much like God loves me these days. i prayed last week when i was feeling a little down that i would know undeniably that God loves me. i know it's silly to doubt that, but sometimes you just want to hear it... sometimes it's nice to just hear someone say it for no reason. i feel that way now. i feel cared for, protected, and loved. it's so nice. i feel at peace with the world, with God, and with myself. that if i died, i would be at peace with my life. it's so strange... my life is so unfinished, but i dont think finishing is the point in being alive anyway.

im tired so im not going to say much on these two things, but on monday jake and i climbed cedar mountain and we ended up bloody and beaten up, and then yesterday some of us ventured up to manchester, tennessee to see alli rogers, sandra macracken, and derek webb play. all good highlights of the week. also! our family got a new dig. camera so im going to start taking stupid and probably pointless pictures all the time and perhaps putting a few on here every now and then.

i think i believe my life is more beautiful every single day. from eating with my family to driving with the windows down. it all feels somehow... perfect... every moment a little bit richer than the last. every day a bit brighter. i cant explain it, but i know im truly living a wonderful life, and if im the only one who believes it then im the only one who believes it, but i wouldnt trade a single moment for a year in anyone else's skin. not ever. i feel like im standing on top of something huge. something i cant see but its right under my nose.

love is... beauty is...

2007-05-02T14:54:00.001-05:00

this is from what i wrote in my notebook/journal yesterday... just a part of it, not all.

friendships have become so flimsy. maybe they always were. it just seems like such a common thing to gain and lose a few friends in the span of several months. i think i find it hard to trust my friends a lot of the time. i practically expect them to say bad things about me when im not around. a disservice to my honest friends, im sure, but i grew up with friends who did, and i knew it, and i had to fake it and act like i didnt know when really it was slowly breaking my heart. maybe i should live not expecting people to backstab me all the time. maybe ill be more confident. im rarely confident in relationships in general. i feel like i should always be making the other person happy so they'll appreciate me. if ive ever learned anything, its that you dont have to earn real love. if someone really loves you, its not because of your actions, its because theres something captivating inside of you that they find really beautiful. something in who you are that would not disappear if you stopped buying them flowers or kissing their forehead or telling them you love them. love is not something you force - it's something you stumble upon, it's finding yourself in a beautiful story, it's whatever it is that makes people write poems or look at the stars or want to die. who, really, understands what IT is? i sure dont, but i feel it when i think of my family or our mysterious God. its something much bigger than anything else that could ever come out of me.

man, it's crazy how relevant the bible is. Jesus spoke and lived by love. love is the most powerful tool we have, and all of us are equipped enough to use it. love could really change everything, i think. nirvana certainly couldnt. suck it buddha.

my head is really everywhere tonight. i have so many thoughts throughout the day, and i get here and i dont even know where to begin.

today i was thinking about beauty as i was sitting on my back porch and i looked up to the top of this big tree in the back yard and saw a swarm of some type of bug and i thought, "now how are these beautiful?" and i started thinking about how complex they must be, that they have some sort of life cycle they go through, and all this crud, and i just got irritated. i just didnt care about those stupid bugs flying in circles in a tree. then i thought, i wonder what they think of me. i mean, surely bugs notice us. they are recognized as coherant creatures who bleed [sort of] and feel [somehow] and react to life. then i thought, animals must think we are a bunch of holy creatures walking around since we are so much more advanced and hard to understand. what if animals, if creation, thought we were as beautiful and mysterious as we think creation is. then i felt like the bugs and i were somehow like family. okay i know that sounds weird and hippie-ish, but i felt more like i was just as much a part of creation as they were. that we were both thrown into this crazy world together, just trying to get by long enough to do our part, hopefully find some beauty, and die. i mean, i dont really know where im going with this, but somehow i get the feeling that the world is more of a friend than an enemy, that we're all doing what we can to survive, to understand, to get on with it. we were created for one another, really, rather than against, and im talking about the whole ecosystem. the rivers, the rain, the mountains, the stars, the sunsets, the animals, the humans. these things are there so they will be enjoyed, as a woman enjoys a flower, as a human enjoys another human. every aspect of life is beautiful, and beauty exists solely so it will be enjoyed, no other reason.

i think i fall more in love with it every day.

a life inspired

2007-04-30T14:23:00.000-05:00

im reading through painted deserts right now. so far, it's entirely relevant to the cloud of things that ive been thinking about these past few months, so i guess credit is due to donald miller for making my thoughts more concrete in all of this.
theres this song by bloc party called uniform, and it's basically talking about how humans try so hard to distract themselves from being bored or feeling much of anything. i think that most people, most of their lives, are resisting the thought that their lives really are boring, monotonous, stressful, whatever. i mean, it really terrifies us. we are pushing so far against this. who wants to be boring? its one of the most evident things when youre looking for it that every single one of us are doing everything we can to find beauty in our lives by looking for love, listening to good music, enjoying our friends, etc. this isn't wrong, but i feel like we are... resisting something. if i were a writer i would call it The Great Resistance and you would read about it in your history book later on and it would probably talk a lot about pop culture and the united states, but i'm not a writer, so none of that will probably happen, but i want to know, what are we resisting, exactly?
why do you watch television? seriously, why? chances are, you'll say because you dont want to be bored. being bored is as bad as dying these days, it seems. we are always expecting something to feed us with entertainment. geez, its everywhere. i think it's pretty safe to say that we are entirely entertainment driven now. when did everyone decide to stop sitting on their front porches just to enjoy the day or to talk to a friend? are we just afraid of thinking? are we scared to venture out into our minds, cause we dont know what we'll find, be it a bad memory, a question we dont know the answer to, the thought that one day we might die? most kids come home from school and sit in front of the tv or computer, intently watching mtv or checking their myspaces. and they may do this all day until they have to do their homework or go to bed. its so insane! we are addicted to ourselves. addicted to entertainment. addicted to consumption.
maybe we should stop being afraid of what we'll find if we stop resisting thought. maybe that's where some sort of answer or truth is. in our minds. the only people that are ever going to change anything are the people who ask why over and over and over. i mean, even if you dont plan on changing the world, maybe in your own life you should walk into everything you do asking, "why do i do this?" so why do you work where you do? money? why do you want money? to buy alcohol on the weekends? why do you drink alcohol? for fun? so you wont be bored? i know thats not how it is for a lot of people, but thats how it is for some, and if you ask yourself that question, maybe you'll find a deeper understanding about what you're chasing in your life or where your focus is.
in through painted deserts, don and his friend paul hike to the bottom of the grand canyon, and realize before they did that, if you asked them what they wanted, they would say a boat, a car, a house, etc., but after they did the hike, all they wanted was a bowl of cereal. good food. simple as that. maybe theres something to that. maybe we were really meant to enjoy life as it is. to stop recreating it because we're bored with it, cause i know watching the sunrise is a thing ill remember, whereas watching date my mom is not something ill remember. [mtv is really pathetic, by the way.] simple living is finding beauty where you are, and sometimes you need to venture out, but beauty is everywhere. its inescapable. its out your front door. its in the woodwork of your house. its on your family's faces when theyre angry or happy or despondent. its really everywhere.
earlier i was sitting on my porch listening to mason jennings and drinking some water and i thought, man everything sure is beautiful. mason's voice; pure, clear, refreshing water; the weather; my dog dixie; how green the trees are. everything. its really beautiful. and in that moment i felt like i was really supposed to be where i was. that i didnt have a thing to worry about because everything's been put in my life for a reason. and maybe that reason is simply to make me say "this is beautiful" or to challenge me or to show me a little glimmer of God's love, but for whatever it is, im thankful for it. and maybe the people in my life that confuse me are there so i can try my best to understand. and maybe the loneliness ive been feeling for a while is there so ill appreciate the company of others that much more. and maybe sometimes i get too caught up in trying to know how to love the right way that i completely miss it when its right in front of my face. we were created to enjoy things, to appreciate the gifts of entertainment other people give us, but in my life, i hope i always choose the sunset over the television, the company of friends over the extra hour of sleep, the thunderstorm over hiding out in my basement. maybe we should just let God be our entertainer, with his stars and wind and cosmos. i think that's living a beautiful life. a life inspired.

steph

save me, 3eb

2007-04-28T23:46:00.000-05:00

"i'd walk with my people if i could find them."

seriously. third eye blind is one of the best bands ever, by the way. but i think that statement's become more real to me than its ever been lately. my aunt told me ive been "different" since i was a toddler. im not sure if that means im just a weirdo or what, but i guess nowadays im seeing it more than i ever have. im not saying im special or anything like that, and im not saying the people i know arent entirely wonderful and beautiful creatures, i just dont think ive got very many like-minded people in my life...

what im saying is, i care about this group of things and im headed in this direction, and the rest of them care about these other things and are headed in other directions. and most of my opinions on most things are not by any means shared by most of my friends, just like theirs arent mine. so i think, in a way, they dont understand a very deep part of me, which explains why i like the music i do, why i like the movies i do, and why i read the books i read. in the same way, i dont understand why they like all of the things they do. why they want to work here or buy this or listen to this type of music. i dont understand it. the more i try to understand my friends, the more confused i get. its like trying to hold onto sand. it just doesnt work. so im worried a little bit. because i love these people, and i think these people might love me, but i dont... get them.

i hope this isnt offending anyone. if it is then i am truly very sorry and if you are my friend then i can assure you i think youre incredible and im not saying either of us are too good for one another and im not lumping you into a "rest of my friends" category because you are absolutely an individual and you may be entirely different from the rest of the people im talking about. in fact, its almost guaranteed that you are. i just dont know very many people who care about the things i care about to the same degree. i wish i did, though, cause it would give me more room to talk about the silly things i talk and think about all the time and have some sort of response, something that may tell me what i think is wrong or stupid or right or great, who understands why i care, who has an opinion.

i know it sounds like im minimizing the people that dont care about what i care about. dang im seriously sweeping up what i said after every single sentence, but i really dont want to leave the wrong impression with this. but really, if you dont care about what i care about, good for you, cause thats why the world works. if we werent all headed in different directions everything would be really stupid. im not saying stop the cycle or anything, im saying, i dont know how to relate to people anymore. yeah. its pathetic. i really dont. i dont like music that plays on the radio [unless of course it's 106.9], i dont like television [unless of course it's the history channel or south park], i dont know anything about cars, i dont want to sit around and talk about what guys are cute, i dont smoke weed, most of the time i dont put effort into looking nice [honestly, i wear the same clothes all the time and i rarely wash them unless they just smell funny or start fitting weird], i dont care about what mtv did during spring break, i dont go around trying to find someone to date because i dont think i would date 99.999999999999% of the population.

i think ive sort of... disbanded from society. i dont want to, ya know, but my interests led me that way. and maybe its my shortcoming right now. maybe its my fault. i dont know, but where are all the people i read about in books [non-fiction i promise] who care about whats going on in the world and do what they can to change it, the people who know theres more out there than just their friends and myspace and overall benefit? the people who will drive to the middle of nowhere with me just to see the stars? i think some people are caught up in the world while others are busy just enjoying it.

i dont even really know where im going with this because im really, really tired and i cant stop thinking about the dove chocolate in a cabinet in the kitchen, so i guess ill say it again, i'd walk with my people if i could find them, and until then im going to be holding this handfull of sand and trying to make sense of it, trying to find a way to keep it there rather than letting it slip away again and again.

take care,

steph

displaced

2007-04-26T19:45:00.000-05:00

its become painfully obvious that i have got to get away from here. not that "here" is a bad place by any means, i just really have to get out. i have to shake off the familiar and work toward change. i have to spread out. to grow. i feel like a goldfish in a fishbowl. its driving me mad.

the truth is, i'm very lonely with my life the way it is. i sit on my back porch all day. i talk to my dog. i question if im close to much of anyone anymore. my best relationships are with people i dont get to see very often. and its very evident that most people are only indifferent. indifferent because to them their own lives are so big and everyone else's so small.

people are not meant to be alone.

youre probably thinking well why dont you get a job, but i cant go anywhere on account of my mom wrecked her car and has been driving mine. i feel bad for her cause she said she feels bad about it, but i dont really mind much. i never had gas in the thing anyway.

"and i could not have known then that if i had been born here, i would have left here, gone someplace south to deal with horses, to get on some open land where you can see tomorrow's storm brewing over a high desert. i could not have known then that everybody, every person, has to leave, has to change like seasons; they have to or they die. the seasons remind me that i must keep changing, and i want to change because it is God's way. all my life i have been changing. i changed from a baby to a child, from soft toys to play daggers. i changed into a teenager to drive a car, into a worker to spend some money. i will change into a husband to love a woman, into a father to love a child, change houses so we are near water, and again so we are near mountains, and again so we are near friends, keep changing with my wife, getting our love so it dies and gets born again and again, like a garden, fed by four seasons, a cycle of change. everybody has to change, or they expire. everybody has to leave, everybody has to leave their home and come back so they can love it again for all new reasons.
i want to keep my soul fertile for the changes, so things keep getting born in me, so things keep dying when it is time for things to die. i want to keep walking away from the person i was a moment ago, because a mind was made to figure things out, not to read the same page recurrently...
life cannot be understood flat on a page. it has to be lived; a person has to get out of his head, has to fall in love, has to memorize poems, has to jump off bridges into rivers, has to stand in an empty desert and whisper sonnets under his breath." -don miller, from the author's note in through pained deserts

that is precisely why i have to go. and i dont want to miss what "used to be" in my life. when we would all jump off that rock in turkey creek and hope we would land in the right spot, or when we climbed that crane, or when we got on top of that oil tower just so we could see over the trees. those things may be beyond some of us now but i want to make every single day better than the one before it. always growing, always improving. i want to be excited for what will be and look back on what used to be knowing i was happy, knowing, for a short time, that was all i needed, and looking forward to the days when i might go on a road trip with some people or alone, when i might swim in another creek, when everyone else's lives are much bigger than my own.

to write love on her arms

2007-04-24T13:59:00.000-05:00

just a few minutes ago, i was flipping through the latest relevant magazine and i came across, in one of the first few pages, a story about the to write love on her arms tour thats been going on. i knew a little bit about what they were doing so i decided to read the story. from my understanding, what this tour was about was hope. showing people who may think about suicide, cutting, etc. that pain is real but there is hope. in the story, there was this girl who saw the show and later handed the group an envelope with a letter that starts with "five years of scars mark my arms and blood replaced the tears i was unable to cry." she left them her razorblade and ended with "thank you for loving the hopeless. thank you for loving me."

when i read that something came over me. i just cried. i think what got me were the last two sentences. i just sat there and cried. so much of the time i forget that im not the only one hurting in this world. other times i forget about america and only think about people in africa and i think they are the only ones hurting. but really, pain is everywhere. cutting and suicide are frighteningly real in our society. my own granddad who was a youth pastor for a time ended up taking his own life. i dont know the story very well because i dont think my mom likes talking about it, but its certainly close to home. my dad's mom came strikingly close to killing herself several times. my dad saved her life a couple of those times. my aunt tried to kill herself last year. my ex boyfriend said he tried to kill himself when we broke up last year as well. im sure you know people who have either succeeded or at least tried. maybe it's you.

i think it's amazing that there are people out there reaching out to those who are hurting and saying, look it's okay. i feel pain as you feel pain, i understand, and im going to love you. there are people who are choosing to love the ones who cant even love themselves. and thats what we all need. we need someone to tell us that we are loved. most of the time, people made us feel unloved, and that is why we are hurting. breakups, parents, friendships, disloyalty, whatever. theres generally someone telling us we are not worth it when we feel bad. well guess what, you are worth it, and if you were here with me right now i would shake you and repeat it until you believed me.

we live in such a crazy world. that song mad world by tears for fears is so on. life gets so monotonous and sometimes it takes a little tragedy to uproot our planted feet. that's no good, but it happens every single day. every single one of us have cried because we were sad, we have all been unloved in some way, we have all fallen short of some expectation. we are a broken people doing everything we can to put ourselves back together.

as christians, it is our duty first and foremost to reach out to people where they are hurting. to, not only address our wounds, but to hold theirs as well. it will be a perfect system when we can find a way to look inside one another rather than looking inside ourselves. there is a world out there shouting that you are not good enough. that you have to get plastic surgery, the right friends, and the right amount of money to be allowed to take part in our society. i think soon there will be a rising voice shouting much louder and saying "you have a purpose. you are loved. you belong. there is hope." we should all join and shout it together. we should all love unconditionally every single time to every single person. despite how hard it is, we have aid. we have scripture, one another, and a loving God ready to instill us with a passion for humanity. someday maybe christians will love as we should and every single person purged of love will come and find peace and hope and a place where they can belong. this is what we should be about. this should be our vision.

learning what youre after

2007-04-23T01:59:00.000-05:00

so, hey blog thing. i quit livejournal because it seemed very... teenage angsty... and moved here. honestly, i dont care much if anyone at all reads this; just knowing i can have public personal thoughts out there somehow is a good thing for me.

today i realized that i've been a little desperate lately. if you talk to me on a regular basis, especially if youre a member of my family, you'll know that all i do is read. i want to know about God and theology and characters in stories. i want to know everything. well in the past few weeks, it's gotten to the point that the only thing i think about is God. i will not hang out with people so i can sit at home and think about God. i told my brother, matt, that i feel like i'm completely wasting time if i'm not talking, thinking, or reading about God. it sounds really nice, it does, it seems like something we should want, but no. it got to the point where i was a recluse, i didnt enjoy anything because i was too busy thinking about its relevance. i couldnt do anything and enjoy it. i was totally caught up in understanding how big God is and all the things he does and i totally forgot how to live my life. it was not about seeking a relationship, it was about seeking knowledge. and knowledge is great, don't get me wrong, but there's a difference between an interest and an obsession.

ya know, i thought i was on the right path, but today i learned that it's hard to glorify God when you're alone in your bedroom avoiding relationships and the real world. that's not what life is about. it's not about storing up all these thoughts in your head so you can imbue your knowledge to your friends and family and they will say you're smart. that's glorifying yourself. that's human. that's selfish.

the truth is, most of the time, Christians are not following Christ. plain and simple. we are following our own agendas. we are listening to self-help preachers tell us that Jesus is our answer to life because he's going to enrich your life and it will flourish with all the sweetest little treasures on your fluffy stupid pillow. that's completely false. Jesus did not come promising us comfort and he certainly did not come promising us wealth. why would paul's life have sucked so much if that were so? it just doesn't add up.

the truth is, most of the time i have a really hard time glorifying God and not myself. most of the time when i try to say beautiful things about God, i want you to think the things im saying are beautiful because of something inside of me. it's a completely indirect self-motivated thing for, not only me, but i think a lot of us.

the problem with my lifestyle right now is i am so focused on the wordiness of Christ that i am forgetting the beauty part. it's wearing me out. part of enjoying God is enjoying his creation. it's really... strange not to. so im going to go outside and look at the stars and think about my family and friends and dixie. i have every reason to enjoy God through these things because every single one of them points toward God. it's really inescapable if you think about it.

adios.