learning what youre after

so, hey blog thing. i quit livejournal because it seemed very... teenage angsty... and moved here. honestly, i dont care much if anyone at all reads this; just knowing i can have public personal thoughts out there somehow is a good thing for me.

today i realized that i've been a little desperate lately. if you talk to me on a regular basis, especially if youre a member of my family, you'll know that all i do is read. i want to know about God and theology and characters in stories. i want to know everything. well in the past few weeks, it's gotten to the point that the only thing i think about is God. i will not hang out with people so i can sit at home and think about God. i told my brother, matt, that i feel like i'm completely wasting time if i'm not talking, thinking, or reading about God. it sounds really nice, it does, it seems like something we should want, but no. it got to the point where i was a recluse, i didnt enjoy anything because i was too busy thinking about its relevance. i couldnt do anything and enjoy it. i was totally caught up in understanding how big God is and all the things he does and i totally forgot how to live my life. it was not about seeking a relationship, it was about seeking knowledge. and knowledge is great, don't get me wrong, but there's a difference between an interest and an obsession.

ya know, i thought i was on the right path, but today i learned that it's hard to glorify God when you're alone in your bedroom avoiding relationships and the real world. that's not what life is about. it's not about storing up all these thoughts in your head so you can imbue your knowledge to your friends and family and they will say you're smart. that's glorifying yourself. that's human. that's selfish.

the truth is, most of the time, Christians are not following Christ. plain and simple. we are following our own agendas. we are listening to self-help preachers tell us that Jesus is our answer to life because he's going to enrich your life and it will flourish with all the sweetest little treasures on your fluffy stupid pillow. that's completely false. Jesus did not come promising us comfort and he certainly did not come promising us wealth. why would paul's life have sucked so much if that were so? it just doesn't add up.

the truth is, most of the time i have a really hard time glorifying God and not myself. most of the time when i try to say beautiful things about God, i want you to think the things im saying are beautiful because of something inside of me. it's a completely indirect self-motivated thing for, not only me, but i think a lot of us.

the problem with my lifestyle right now is i am so focused on the wordiness of Christ that i am forgetting the beauty part. it's wearing me out. part of enjoying God is enjoying his creation. it's really... strange not to. so im going to go outside and look at the stars and think about my family and friends and dixie. i have every reason to enjoy God through these things because every single one of them points toward God. it's really inescapable if you think about it.

adios.