direction, destination

i dont know what to say today. i didnt know what to say yesterday. sometimes life feels like it cant mess with you externally so it decides to go inside and screw with your emotions somehow. i dont know what it is, but these past few days ive felt so worn out. i think i was on this "new idea" high and now im at the point where i start doubting myself or something. lately all i feel like doing is sitting outside and just trying to take it all in.

i guess i dont know what i want these days, but i know i dont want to feel like im just trying to ignore something bad.

i battle myself every single day. one of my biggest weaknesses is i find so much wrong with humanity, with people everywhere. its not that im walking into a room and saying "oh, her shirt is HIDEOUS" or whatever, it's that i hear all the time about a person who was murdered or a statement about the war or whatever and i think, man, people are so bad. i really act like im above making any of those mistakes, which im not. at the derek webb show the other day he said that you have to believe all the ingredients of your heart mixed in a certain way can make you capable of doing the most awful things. its true. no person is above murder or rape or whatever. seriously. its not in what you are that makes you above that, because what you are is a terribly mixed up mess of a human. but, just as we are capable of doing any number of bad things, so are we capable of doing incredibly good and beautiful things. our inner workings were created with both good and evil branches shooting up everywhere. we are capable of both all the time, any time, christian or non-christian.

i just want a little bit of renewal these days. i think, for my own selfish desire, i want to feel like im affecting something. anything at all. i think i want to feel like i have a tiny little inch of purpose right now even in the smallest way in someone's life or in anything. i want to wake up in the morning and have more of a reason to keep going other than the fact that im just too scared to stop. im not saying i want to die, im saying while im alive, i want to know that i did whatever i could to help life rather than just tear it down. that i loved someone as best i could whether they loved me back as much or not. i want to have children and believe in them so much that they never have to doubt themselves. i want to marry someone and care more about his well-being that i completely forget my own needs. i want to be someone's support system, someone's home, someone's assurance. the way you love is what is going to matter ultimately. i believe that.

i asked a friend what she wanted out of life earlier tonight and she didnt know. she said she thought she might like to get married one day, but other than that, she didnt know. it seems so crazy to keep waking up every day not knowing what you want out of life. and im not saying its wrong, i just dont know how a person could do something and not know why. i dont know everything i want out of life. im still figuring that out as i go along, but i have an outline of it. some days im more sure of it, others im not. these past few days im not, but that doesnt mean im stopping or even slowing down. im excited for my life. terribly excited. i know its going to be beautiful. im going to grow in ways i could never have imagined. im going to have the richest moments tucked into my mind. its going to be really great. it already has been. and i find comfort in that. you can too. your life is going to be beautiful and quite a story if you believe it will be.

finding out what you want out of life is so entirely important in how your life will turn out. if you want love, you will run around looking for it. if you want adventure [meeeee], you will run around looking for it. if you want tragedy [drama], you will run around looking for it. all of these will be found. your direction is most likely your destination.

take care,
steph