guess it's safe to say im doing the insomnia thing again. it happens about five times a year for me. i aint gonna lie, its been a pretty dang crappy day. in fact, despite the derek webb/andrew osenga/alli rogers show last night [andrew osenga liked my hat, i must mention], the past few days have been less than great. i find myself lying in bed for hours at a time talking to God and asking him why this and why that and if he'll be more prevalent in all my problems. in my entire life, really. my brain just wont slow down. not ever. not even when im sleeping. for goodness sake, i have the most vivid and long dreams every single night. theyre so common theyre not even worth mentioning. in fact, last night i dreamt i was running from some workers in a lab because i rebelled against them or something, and ended up finding a tank with a live and very large fish in it with a skull for a head. this is totally normal for me. its like sometimes i get so caught up in all this junk in my head that i forget how to enjoy anything. im always too busy analyzing it.
my aunt is kind of having a hard time right now. and rightfully so. a lot of really bad things have been happening to her for the past year or so, and some she caused on her own, others are just unfair. well my mom and grandma tried to talk to her when she was feeling down to make her feel better and they kept saying there are people who have it so much worse. there are but that will NEVER make a sad person look on the bright side of things. sometimes, when youre in a hole, you just need someone to get down in the hole with you, grab your hand, and you can climb out together. if my aunt was here i bet we would be holding hands. not really, i think that would just be kind of awkward...
when i think about life, two things pop into my mind. the first is that im living in a really beautiful world with really great creatures everywhere and a ton of opportunity. i like the days when life feels like that. feels like im breathing for the first time or something. other times i feel more like an innocent child thrown into the heart of a war that i cant possibly understand. like my feet once knew glory and now theyre pacing through the rubble of a tragic battle. the more that i learn, the more i see i dont understand. seems like everything sometimes.
i know its really pathetic to sit around and whine about something i dont even know the origin of, but talking politics is just as pathetic, right? maybe not, but both conversations are very open ended and inconclusive. thats what i think anyhow.
maybe all i need is a good swim in turkey creek, or a backrub, or a really good conversation. a conversation with some crazy breakthrough. i love those. yeah, thats exactly what i need. a dang breakthrough.
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what you need is someone to freaking drive you to kansas city so you can see me and stephen. and then you and i will go to ihop and have a super in depth conversation about whats going on in our lives and why and how to avoid the crappy stuff. thats what i need at least.
i see that "problem", so to speak, in you as well.. about how you always seem too busy analyzing life to get out and enjoy it. in fact i was just telling lb about that the other day and how you've become so reclusive. and i also really hate hearing "so many other people have it worse", i mean it's not a bad thing to think about, it can put things in perspective but sometimes you need positive reinforcement and not someone telling you your life could be worse when it's bad enough already. i need a backrub too. let's get gay and give each other one.
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