i never write in this thing. usually when i think to, i have not even a wrinkle of a topic in my head. for some reason that sounds really gross.
so i guess ill just be honest with the few people that actually read this. im having a lot of issues with God and faith lately. i've come to severely dislike church in general and the way it's put together. i dont really respect or support the idea of a pastor. one person standing up there imbuing his fantastic holiness on all his little "children". it kind of makes me sick. maybe i just have an unhealthy obsession with wanting to speak my mind about things, but i absolutely hate feeling completely uninvolved in every church service im in. i feel so much like i want to just stand up and argue points that are made. and i want to raise my hand and be able to ask what the heck certain things mean. thank goodness for andy actually allowing me to do that so many times in the past, but i cant find that elsewhere.
i just feel like i want to branch out. i dont want to be expected to go to church because it will look nice to other people if i do. i just simply cannot support a system i only halfway believe in. i believe the people have entirely good intentions and do sincerely love God, but somehow i dont feel like i'm growing closer to truth that way. and maybe that's selfishness. maybe i should allow church to surprise me. be a trooper and hope things change. but i just dont want to.
it's also not only church that i've had issues with. it's the foundation of our supposed connectedness with God himself. why in the world do we believe God speaks to us all the time? i so badly want to think he does, but i dont have any reason to believe it at this point. i've always thought that if i truly perceived God as he is, in whatever tiny fraction i might be able to understand, then i would love who he is entirely. so i'm wondering if my ideas of God and my interpretations of the bible have been flawed this whole time. i mean, i just cant get around the idea of God speaking to us. i really cant. i've asked the same questions repeatedly, and no answers seem to make sense to me. maybe i'm just being thickheaded, but people have told me that God leaves "impressions" on them, or that God's voice is small and quiet and you have to be properly attuned to hear him. i hate to say it, but that sounds like a load of crap to me. it sounds so easily identifiable with a plethora of other things. it seems all psychological. and i dont want God's words to be psychological. i dont want him to be something i can second-guess like that. i hate to sound like a complete douchebag, which im fully aware is the case, but understand i want to get around this. i want answers more than i want anything else.
i have come to realize that when Jesus prayed he wasnt concerned with what "God laid on his heart." he never mentioned an "impression" or anything like that in the context of the bible. and that seems important enough to mention.
i dont know. i could keep going all day. i just feel like faith has been completely watered down as it is today, and its disgusting. i dont want to subscribe to watered down, easy religion. i want it to be more than singing songs about Jesus being my best friend. i want to be relatively interested in it when im leaving church, rather than completely bored. i'm especially lacking in respect for other christians as well. it's awful to feel that way and even worse to admit it, but i feel so ridiculously awkward in a group of christians. i dont halfway agree with the crap they spew out of their mouths most of the time, and i feel like some sort of cynical, j.d. salinger obsessed half-follower of a faith i dont even know how to articulate. maybe i just want to relate to more than just a few people on this matter. and sometimes that's even rare. i just dont like feeling rebellious or different about something so incredibly powerful and important. i want to swim downstream for once.
i dont quite know how to conclude this as i am not matt who happens to be the king of introductions and conclusions, so i guess if anyone has anything relatively helpful or even contradictory, please, please dont keep it to yourself.
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About Me
- stephanie
- i like watching my bichon frise get angry with my boxer puppy, i like spending money on useless things that i will never use, i like gas prices being outrageous, i like eating boca chicken when im not even a vegetarian just because it tastes better, and i like wearing my dad's "0 to naked in 6.2 beers" hat.
5 comments:
Steph. I think part of the reason I feel the same way is because I have been through the same motions in church my entire life. I don't know about you but I have been raised in church, and I'm only 15...but I have been told that I am mature for my age. So I am not going to give you advice, just my opinion. I feel bored at church, I love Pastor Ron, but I don't love sitting there listening to him. I would rather be with him in a small group discussing our subject matter instead of feeling like I'm being talked down to. I've pretty much coped with that though. I know if I do want to argue I can just go up to him and tell him. Which I have done before.
I pray every single night, and throughout the day. I can never remember a specific TIME when God has spoken to me. Everyone says he is supposed to be like your best friend, but my best friend calls me on the phone whenever she needs me. And I call her too. I really don't know what to say about it, I don't feel like it should take an emotional experience to "feel" God. But if I'm not crying, I honestly don't feel close to God very often.
I've always thought it has alot to do with me not being that far in my faith. I just don't like the fact that people in the Bible could have a chat with God whenever they wanted to. And that is unheard of now. I don't know what else to tell ya. Who knows, maybe God is working through you by making you think.
Just the other day you were complaining about my blog because it sounded like I "just started" right in the middle of everything and didn't have introductions. Now I'm the king of intros and conclusions? You are such a flip-flopper.
Anyways, way to be extremely and brutally honest. I love it. This is why you need to blog more. What I like about this one is that you don't act like someone who is "there". What I mean is that you're a person who is searching and sort of delving into this mystery of God with complete honesty (even if it's tough honesty). You don't act like you're "there" or that you're finished with your journey as some do.
I've been painfully realizing that I'm not "there" either. I believe in Jesus and I really believe I have a relationship with him that I can't get out of, but I don't feel like I get it or have all the answers. I don't feel close to God. I don't feel like I "know" anything about God sometimes, so I see what you're saying.
Anyways, this is your blog and not mine so I will leave it at that.
i would like to echo some of the sentiments, and maybe add to it a little too.
you are definitly not alone in your feelings, as danielle and matt's comments proved. i will add that a degree in religion and being on staff at church don't really help much either. i struggle to hear from God. i know that i have taught, and i do believe, that we can begin to maybe hear more of God as we attune our lives to him, but i really don't know that i have ever gotten any closer. and church doesn't help much because the way we speak about our relationship with God makes it sound so easy. like if we don't hear God something is wrong with us. that, i believe, is bullcrap.
i try to look for God in the stuff of life, like we talked about tonight. in the giant heart of Lee. in the joy of little league baseball. in the smooth melody of a wilco song. and i think i get closer there.
i also think that your honesty is a beautiful thing, and has coaxed honesty out of those of us who read your blog. that is good. and i long for the day when churches function like that. i do believe it is coming, and i think it could help us all deal with this because it could foster honesty and real community.
well, we have already kind of spoken on this matter, but just to insure you again: I don't get it either. I have not ever had a real "encounter" with God that I can remember. And like you, that makes me wonder if I'm doing this right or if I'm anywhere near being where I should be. It's frusterating because sometimes I have those days where I feel like I have really had a GOOD day, Like I've really lived well that day. But, I then find myself thinking about how good I did. It doesn't often turn into an experience with God. I don't know how we go about finding ourselves closer to him and more in tune with his "soft voice."
I guess we're all in that fight together.
Well I'm Elizabeth's brother. You told us not to keep our ideas to ourselves, so I won't do that.
I understand what your saying, and think that some Christians can learn from what your saying. I don't know your background; I have pretty much grown up in church all my life. For about 10 years in a Baptist church, and Presbyterian since then.
I do think that church is important, very important, so I don't want to tell you that you should disregard church because the people there seem like hypocrites. The church is important for two reasons: what it means to you, and what you mean to the church.
Basically, you can contribute to the church universal by going to a church. And, the Body of believers around you in a church advance your personal relationship with Christ as well.
But you are right in that it's not good to go to a church where it's just you, the congregation, watching the Pastor and the choir sing, and I think church should be much more than that, and often is not today. And so often the emphasis is on the emotion, or one's nice tingly feelings they have toward their personal relationship with God. These feelings do exist, and Christians should feel them, but Christianity is much more than tingly feelings, which I think is something you were sort of getting at.
I don't have anything against the Baptist churches, and I think they offer a lot for God's Kingdom. But may I sort of advertise the liturgy and style of worship of our church service.
Our songs are not just "my best friend Jesus" and we're not all about a screaming Pastor, or energetic choir. It involves the Congregation the most. It is us, not him, her, or them. It's a process. We go and together give praise to God, confess our sin, receive the joy of Christ's ressurection, learn from the Word through readings and the sermon, give our tithes and offerings for the work of the church, take part in the Lord's Supper, and are commissioned to "go" into the world with the Peace of Christ, obeying the Great Commission. We sing hymns throughout the service, dealing with Christ's love for His People. The role of the Pastor is important as a sort of Shephard, but it's not as if he is the church. We are the church, all of us as a whole.
I don't know if that helps any, but that's just my take. I think that the church and our churches today should do more than what they do. And I say this to myself, because though I love blogging, sometimes we should get out and use our bodies for the Word of the Lord in ways other than blogging about it.
Our church address is
www.trinity-pres.net
Hope that helps!
Ryan
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