save me, 3eb

"i'd walk with my people if i could find them."

seriously. third eye blind is one of the best bands ever, by the way. but i think that statement's become more real to me than its ever been lately. my aunt told me ive been "different" since i was a toddler. im not sure if that means im just a weirdo or what, but i guess nowadays im seeing it more than i ever have. im not saying im special or anything like that, and im not saying the people i know arent entirely wonderful and beautiful creatures, i just dont think ive got very many like-minded people in my life...

what im saying is, i care about this group of things and im headed in this direction, and the rest of them care about these other things and are headed in other directions. and most of my opinions on most things are not by any means shared by most of my friends, just like theirs arent mine. so i think, in a way, they dont understand a very deep part of me, which explains why i like the music i do, why i like the movies i do, and why i read the books i read. in the same way, i dont understand why they like all of the things they do. why they want to work here or buy this or listen to this type of music. i dont understand it. the more i try to understand my friends, the more confused i get. its like trying to hold onto sand. it just doesnt work. so im worried a little bit. because i love these people, and i think these people might love me, but i dont... get them.

i hope this isnt offending anyone. if it is then i am truly very sorry and if you are my friend then i can assure you i think youre incredible and im not saying either of us are too good for one another and im not lumping you into a "rest of my friends" category because you are absolutely an individual and you may be entirely different from the rest of the people im talking about. in fact, its almost guaranteed that you are. i just dont know very many people who care about the things i care about to the same degree. i wish i did, though, cause it would give me more room to talk about the silly things i talk and think about all the time and have some sort of response, something that may tell me what i think is wrong or stupid or right or great, who understands why i care, who has an opinion.

i know it sounds like im minimizing the people that dont care about what i care about. dang im seriously sweeping up what i said after every single sentence, but i really dont want to leave the wrong impression with this. but really, if you dont care about what i care about, good for you, cause thats why the world works. if we werent all headed in different directions everything would be really stupid. im not saying stop the cycle or anything, im saying, i dont know how to relate to people anymore. yeah. its pathetic. i really dont. i dont like music that plays on the radio [unless of course it's 106.9], i dont like television [unless of course it's the history channel or south park], i dont know anything about cars, i dont want to sit around and talk about what guys are cute, i dont smoke weed, most of the time i dont put effort into looking nice [honestly, i wear the same clothes all the time and i rarely wash them unless they just smell funny or start fitting weird], i dont care about what mtv did during spring break, i dont go around trying to find someone to date because i dont think i would date 99.999999999999% of the population.

i think ive sort of... disbanded from society. i dont want to, ya know, but my interests led me that way. and maybe its my shortcoming right now. maybe its my fault. i dont know, but where are all the people i read about in books [non-fiction i promise] who care about whats going on in the world and do what they can to change it, the people who know theres more out there than just their friends and myspace and overall benefit? the people who will drive to the middle of nowhere with me just to see the stars? i think some people are caught up in the world while others are busy just enjoying it.

i dont even really know where im going with this because im really, really tired and i cant stop thinking about the dove chocolate in a cabinet in the kitchen, so i guess ill say it again, i'd walk with my people if i could find them, and until then im going to be holding this handfull of sand and trying to make sense of it, trying to find a way to keep it there rather than letting it slip away again and again.

take care,

steph