displaced

its become painfully obvious that i have got to get away from here. not that "here" is a bad place by any means, i just really have to get out. i have to shake off the familiar and work toward change. i have to spread out. to grow. i feel like a goldfish in a fishbowl. its driving me mad.

the truth is, i'm very lonely with my life the way it is. i sit on my back porch all day. i talk to my dog. i question if im close to much of anyone anymore. my best relationships are with people i dont get to see very often. and its very evident that most people are only indifferent. indifferent because to them their own lives are so big and everyone else's so small.

people are not meant to be alone.

youre probably thinking well why dont you get a job, but i cant go anywhere on account of my mom wrecked her car and has been driving mine. i feel bad for her cause she said she feels bad about it, but i dont really mind much. i never had gas in the thing anyway.

"and i could not have known then that if i had been born here, i would have left here, gone someplace south to deal with horses, to get on some open land where you can see tomorrow's storm brewing over a high desert. i could not have known then that everybody, every person, has to leave, has to change like seasons; they have to or they die. the seasons remind me that i must keep changing, and i want to change because it is God's way. all my life i have been changing. i changed from a baby to a child, from soft toys to play daggers. i changed into a teenager to drive a car, into a worker to spend some money. i will change into a husband to love a woman, into a father to love a child, change houses so we are near water, and again so we are near mountains, and again so we are near friends, keep changing with my wife, getting our love so it dies and gets born again and again, like a garden, fed by four seasons, a cycle of change. everybody has to change, or they expire. everybody has to leave, everybody has to leave their home and come back so they can love it again for all new reasons.
i want to keep my soul fertile for the changes, so things keep getting born in me, so things keep dying when it is time for things to die. i want to keep walking away from the person i was a moment ago, because a mind was made to figure things out, not to read the same page recurrently...
life cannot be understood flat on a page. it has to be lived; a person has to get out of his head, has to fall in love, has to memorize poems, has to jump off bridges into rivers, has to stand in an empty desert and whisper sonnets under his breath." -don miller, from the author's note in through pained deserts

that is precisely why i have to go. and i dont want to miss what "used to be" in my life. when we would all jump off that rock in turkey creek and hope we would land in the right spot, or when we climbed that crane, or when we got on top of that oil tower just so we could see over the trees. those things may be beyond some of us now but i want to make every single day better than the one before it. always growing, always improving. i want to be excited for what will be and look back on what used to be knowing i was happy, knowing, for a short time, that was all i needed, and looking forward to the days when i might go on a road trip with some people or alone, when i might swim in another creek, when everyone else's lives are much bigger than my own.