change, moving, growing up, whatever it is

something that keeps me going every day is the thought that a lot of really beautiful things are ahead. moments that will feel perfect. that every element in play is playing its part and its playing its part well. ive already had a few of those, and they're some of the most prominent ones in the whole bunch. even the bad memories, i cant wait to see what they are. i mean thats the core of life isnt it? moments, memories. when you age, it's all there is to remind you of the journey. the easy steps as well as the steps you felt like you would never take. your mind will take you back, throw you back into the fire of an argument, but your heart will be a different shape than it was then, your life the contour of something entirely different. something new. looking back and seeing how far you've come certainly has to be a blessing in itself. it already is for me, and i'm only 18 years old. i can't imagine what it will be like when i'm in my [hopefully] seventies or so.

i guess the main reason im thinking about this is because every time i leave or come home to my house, i see a big for sale sign in the front yard. its evidence enough things are changing, and i feel like i want to take everything i have now with me to whatever place i may end up.

someday ill be somewhere else, and ill think back on my house in pinson, alabama, and ill remember the way i used to sit in my parents' closet because i loved the smell of their leather shoes, and ill remember the bed my brother used to powerbomb me onto because, believe it or not, we were both nwo-wcw fanatics. ill remember the rock counter and how that one rock always falls out when you knock it. ill remember the guitars and equipment being all over the house from my brother's musical endeavors. i'll remember the times i sat by my window crying for hours, praying to God life would stop being so hard. i'll remember when my dad used to shoot fireworks on july 4th out of the backyard, and we'd invite our neighbor and good friend alan over, because alan is awesome. i'll remember when i'd lie in bed and hate myself because i made some stupid mistake or said something really dumb in front of someone cool. i'll remember when aimee would come over and we would sit and talk about boys we liked. i'll remember the times when my brother and i would unintentionally get into some conversation about the bible or a belief and we'd sit in the hallway or downstairs in the living room and talk for longer than we ever meant to. i'll remember the way my mom's bathroom always smelled so good and mine and matt's just smelled... well, weird. there are an endless amount of things i hope i never forget about my youth. but, just as i am dreaming now of children and a family and a life, one day i will be holding my children and listening to my husband's voice and i'll remember the times when that was all i wanted. obtaining all of that requires a pretty extensive amount of change and willingness in me as a person. sacrifice. so, when before the for sale sign seemed like a negative reminder, maybe now i can look at it and imagine it as a closer step into the life that i hope for. a symbol for change for the better, for growth. i need to grow, and who can argue that newness isn't the best way? i mean, it's time for me to get uprooted, so i can plant myself somewhere else, grow, and learn from each new setting i encounter.