today we got our internet hooked up at my dad's house. [not sure if i mentioned this but we're living there now.] ive been missing the blog-world.
since we moved in, i haven't slept much at all. i've been having a really hard time with a lot of things since we came here. i guess, when one thing gets shaken up a bit, i feel like i have to re-evaluate everything. even myself. sometimes im so sure of myself, other times im not sure of my place anywhere. it's stupid, really, because i dont want my world to revolve around where i feel like i stand with everything else, but im so tired of second-guessing myself. im tired of feeling like i have to censor myself around certain people because im afraid they'll look down on me. even some of my friends. no, especially some of my friends. i hate feeling like a burden sometimes when i dont feel good and i dont want to act like life is always okay. i shouldnt feel like anyone's burden for that, but i always do. the truth is, i'm really tired of tip-toeing around people's emotions. and i'm not saying this to sound like i'm super tough [look at me] or whatever. i'm saying this because i want to be an honest person. all the time. so you don't have to question my motives. i dont want to be a questionable person. and i'm not going to be.
one specific example is my past. i dont like the things ive done, im not proud of the person that i was, and i would do almost anything for nobody to remember that part of me, but i can't. and i can't keep hiding from it. i was who i was, but i changed, by the grace of God, and i am who i am now. i should be proud i've come this far, but most of the time i'm just not.
there's this great quote in wild at heart by john elderedge that says "let people feel the weight of who you are and let them deal with it." i've been thinking about that every day. i don't want to be fake happy when i feel like crap. and i dont want to act sure of myself when i'm not at all. basically, im not going to live my life walking in step with the pressures of what a stable, happy, strong person is supposed to look like. sometimes i dont think clearly, sometimes im not happy, and sometimes i think im the weakest person on the planet.
so freaking what.
im going to let people feel the weight of who i am and let them deal with it. and thats when i can begin to live from the inside out rather than from the outside in.
thats the kind of person i want to be.
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4 comments:
don't let your past dictate who you are now. i've always thought you were such a great person, not because of your actions but because of who you are. you're not a bad person and you never were. you made some mistakes but that's part of life. you can't grow if you don't make mistakes.
i feel like you just walked into my head and pulled out everything that i feel all the time that i can never explain. i have the same problem with people expecting me to be happy all the time when i'm not and when i'm unhappy it's like people almost get mad at me because i'm showing emotions besides happiness. it's ridiculous and unfair for people to make you feel that way. so be sad. or angry. or happy. or whatever you want to be. no one's happy all the time.
so what is right. chillax you know. ive been through the same thing, and i think finally all it takes to erase such worries is just not to worry. your past is unchangeable, its a glass of spilt milk and there is no sense in making yourself lick it off the table. wipe it up and move on. like the rest of us, you have a life to live, and its not letting anybody go back and make changes.
if we can make half the people in the world realize the importance of honesty...
i can't even imagine what this world would be like.
think of all the drama that would be avoided.
all the hate, caused by assumption, that would disappear.
why pretend? why hide? why have to assume? when everyone wants to know who you really are, and you want to know everyone.
i think dishonesty is one of the things that keep us in our glass cages.
and i don't have the words to describe how much more stronger i feel about this subject.
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